New Years Eve. Everyone is dressed to the nines, preparing for a wild night of celebration, and plotting their midnight kiss. Well, New Years 2017 wasn’t shaping up to be that exciting for me. I recently had made it to Cusco, Peru for just a couple days before heading onto Ollantaytambo for about a month. But the day before I arrived, I began to feel a bit ill. By the time I had arrived at the Wild Rover Hostel in Cusco, I felt like absolute shit. So here I am, December 30th, and I was coughing and sneezing nonstop. Just what everyone wants in a roommate, I know.
So mind you, Cusco is notorious for also giving visitors altitude sickness. So where I already felt terrible, the mounting pressure in my head was certainly not helping. Nonetheless, I decided I would try to power through it in the name of meeting a few people. I mean, I was traveling alone after all and it would probably help to have a few friends before getting shitfaced on New Years Eve. Getting shitfaced alone isn’t really a great look after all.
On the 30th, I promptly made my way to the hostel bar. Quietly nibbled on some food, since my sickness didn’t leave me much of an appetite. And began talking to a few people here and there. Although, I do have to say this wasn’t exactly my finest hour for making friends. All I really wanted to do was crawl into bed. Nonetheless, I did my bit and a few whiskeys later I was dancing on the bar. (As was everyone else, don’t worry.)
So I managed to finally make my way into bed around 2 am. Which for me was long past my bedtime. But for all my new international mates it was ridiculously early. Given that it was so “early,” I’m pretty sure I was the only one back in the dorm at that point. Though I could be mistaken, I wasn’t exactly paying attention.
About 6 am I woke suddenly to sounds of someone gagging. Here is where the guy in bunk three makes his debut. I was in bunk one. Bunk one was the top bunk immediately inside the door. Bunk three is also a top bunk, directly next to me. So guy in bunk three was gagging and beginning to throw up. In his bed. After about ninety seconds of this, he finally decided it would be a good idea to go to the bathroom. Hmm, you don’t say? As he was exiting his bunk, he missed a rung on his latter and went catapulting across the room only to land in the bed bottom bed adjacent to him. Once that fellow push him off of his bed he recached in the bottom bunk back on his own side of the room. That fellow too pushed him off. So once he finally got his bearings, he decided to just stare out the window for about five minutes. Since we were all now awake, we all just idly watched with curiosity.
Side note: I felt like I was going to die. Between being sick and having a fever, the pressure in my head, and my poor ability to recover from any kind of drinking I really thought I was down to counting my days. So as I try to pull myself together, guy in bunk three went to the bathroom. I assume to throw up. After he returns we all get a few more hours of sleep.
I eventually got up to shower and take some medicine in hopes of living to see 2017. Everyone else began to filter out of the room as well to begin their days. I returned to my bed after deciding that I need to spend my day recovering if there is any hope for me to celebrate that evening. So as I was nursing my illness in my bed by watching movies on my laptop, I was suddenly startled by several really loud farts. Not to be overly explicit but these were some raunchy farts. I was pretty sure he was shitting himself in his sleep as I sat next to him and watched. Good thing my nose was stopped up and I couldn’t smell a thing. I don’t actually know if he really did shit himself. I can’t say that I asked.
Anyhow, fast forward to that afternoon. I was still lying in bed, hydrating and dozing here and there. Soon however, guy in bunk three returned along with a few of the others from the room. Each person from the room recounted his debatchery from the night before to him. He remembered none of it. However, he then goes on to tell us about his day and about the fact that he bought a lamb. Yep, a lamb. After asking him what he planned to do with the lamb, he was fruitless in an answer. But he did confirm that the lamb was on a leash outside. One of the other mates from the room confirmed that he had played with it for a bit.
By this point in the day, I had pretty much resigned to the fact that I would not be partying that night for New Years Eve. To be honest, I wasn’t that heartbroken. So while the rest of the room doused themselves in cologne and took lines of cocaine, I remained in my pjs in bunk one quietly watching the Golden Girls. Pretty soon, everyone had left and I was asleep by 11pm.
For all the fireworks going off and the DJ just below my window, I surprisedly had a pretty restful nights sleep. Well, until about 7am. I’m not sure what time everyone arrived back to room, but I imagine it was not long before then.
Around 7am I was awoken by sounds of someone throwing things on the wooden floor. Guy in bunk three had a visitor. (No, it wasn’t the lamb.) Guy in bunk three was standing on the floor going through his bag and the girl in his bed was throwing things at him and giggling. I tried to roll back over, but soon began the arguing and the sex. Two things that go so well together. First, they argued about him apparently having a girlfriend. Then I assume that turned them on, because it didn’t take long and they were having sex. If the sounds of coitus next to your head isn’t bad enough, they were also debating about him wearing a condom. She wanted him to, he didn’t. So she came at him with the whole, “do you want to have a kid?!” question. But to my surprise, and I imagine hers too, he replied with a yes! Since that tactic didn’t work, they resigned to just simply arguing: “in,” “out,” “In,” “out.”
This whole time I was wide awake and desperately trying to contain a sneeze. Since people don’t sneeze in their sleep after all and I was doing my best to try to ignore it and remain incognito. Eventually it stopped and I thought all would be well. Nope.
Soon they wen’t for round two, then round three, then round four! By this point I was no longer trying to conceal my consciousness. In fact, I was live tweeting the whole thing from about 3 feet away. I also couldn’t contain my sneeze anymore. I sneezed and accidentally turned the sound on on a video on Instagram. Regardless of the fact that I scrambled to turn it off, I think it was needless to say that my presence was known. Fortunately for them, and unfortunately for me, they didn’t seem to care. So as they finished their business and begin to snore, loudly, I couldn’t help but wonder… where is the lamb?
About the time this thought popped into my head I began to hear coital sounds again. But bunk three was snoring away. Thats when I realized that the girl in the bunk below me had also brought home a fellow. Lucky me.
So for being sick and spending my last day of 2016 in bed, the year still managed to go out with a bang… or two… or three.
P.S. No update on the lamb as of yet.
To see the original live tweets click here.